Follow Me - Uncle Kracker

Today, my heart hurts, but maybe in a good way. You know when you come to a realization that could quite possibly change your life? That happened to me this past week. I realized that there is a man who I may truly love...be in love with. I've known for six years almost and I hope to know him the rest of my life.

We have feelings for each other that is for certain. We have told each other, but, well, there is a rather large distance between us at the moment. Physically I mean. To the few I have talked to personally about this subject they have asked the question "Why not start a relationship while he is in town and then try a long distance relationship?". My answer may sound awful but it is what is the truth to me. Why would you be in a relationship when you cannot be with them? Now I know there are many exceptions to this. Families in the military, spouses that have to travel, etc. But when a relationship is new, I do not think it appropriate to be so far apart.

I still love him and have feelings for him. That is not going to change. We'll see what happens.

One of Us - Glee Version

This April will mark 18 years since my mom passed away. I've been really sad lately and I am very confident that this is the reason. Growing up without a mom is hard, but growing up with everyone telling you that you are a spitting image of her...even harder. I love my family, please do not get me wrong but my mom was taken from me. They got to know her for all her life some of them. I get to live off of pictures, and journals. I have been told that I look exactly like her, that I sound like her that I remind you of her, but my question to the world is... How is that suposed to make ME feel better? I get to sit here and miss someone I never knew, someone I will never know. You can say that she is in my heart, that she is watching down on me, that her memory lives on within me. Explain to me how a memory of a person I NEVER KNEW can live on within me. Explain to me how I can cry night after night over a person I DON"T KNOW.

I don't have much to say except that I cannot keep going on living like this.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQXiT7EnMnM&feature=fvwrel

What Ever Happened to Saturday Night? - The Rocky Horror Picture Show

I am getting WAY better at this. It has only been two weeks since my last post. That is definitely a step up. Be proud be very proud. Lets evaluate shall we? I can't really complain too much actually. There might be a guy who has caught my eye...okay..well..he definitely caught my eye. Apparently I am very near in his eyesight as well. I do not want to talk too much about it because I would rather not jinx this one. He has a car and a job though so we are on the right track.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I should probably go on about the things I am thankful for. This time of the year most people write about how thankful they are for their family. Maybe this makes me a terrible person, but this year I am MOST thankful for my friends. They have been there for me this year like no one could ever even dream of wishing for. I am truly blessed to have the friends I do. They seriously are the most supportive group of people ever. I do not think anyone is as lucky as I am. If you are taking the time to read this right now then you are more than likely one of the people I consider to be part of the category I am praising right now.

Been thinking about my mom more then usual. I had an emotional melt down on set last week. (Which might I add is pretty much the LAST place you want to be seen bawling your eyes out.) The call started out with 50 people and half way through the day they asked who wanted to stay and who wanted to go. The AD cut 35 extras and kept 15 of us. It was when our group got to 15 that we all moved our chairs together and sat in a circle. Everything was fine until people started sharing stories from their childhoods, most of them girls, most of them about shopping and going to see plays and all the different things their moms have done for them. A part of me is mad at myself for feeling the way I did because I have experienced most of those things with Marlene. I think it was jealousy that got the better of me. Me being jealous of the relationships, the bonds that they have with their mothers. Now it might be mostly my own fault that I do not have that kind of bond or loving friendship with Marlene. I don't hate her. I am thrilled that my father has found someone that makes him happy. Someone that he wants to spend his life with. He is a good man and deserves to have someone in his life. At this point in my life, I simply want him to be happy and feel love. Love is such a powerful emotion. Love is power itself.

I am going to end on that note today. Everyone deserves to have love in their life. People make mistakes, they make the wrong decisions, say the wrong things, take the wrong turns in life, but eventually we get back on the path we were and are destined to take. Don't be afraid to open your heart because the love that comes to you can drive you to be the best person you can be.

Happy Thanksgiving.

The Man Who Can't Be Moved - Straight No Chaser

It's been a while again. Got distracted. You can blame Halloween Horror Nights. Hope everyone had a happy Halloween. I am a little sad tonight. I am sitting in my dining room messing around on my laptop with my headphones in while listening to Pandora when my dad walks in the room with a very stern and maybe even disgusted look on his face. I take out one of my earphones and he looks at me and just says "don't." I look at him and ask "don't what?" His reply is "don't sing." Now I will admit that I am no where near talented when it comes to singing and any of my friends can tell you that but I was merely singing along to the song "Belle" from the musical Beauty and the Beast.

Maybe I am overreacting to his comment but it hit really close to my heart and made me feel a little hurt, I mean was it really necessary to make the comment? Just close the door. I think right now, I might just possibly be an emotional wreck. Been crying a lot lately. I am going to blame my mom for this round of tears. She has been on my mind a lot recently. I am so over crying over her. I know that sounds awful but COME ON....how many nights do I need to cry myself to sleep over a woman I never knew?

Anyways NEWS!!!!!!!!!!! I have a twin! I know?!? Crazy right!?!? Her name is Ally. We are the same person. Ya'll are just going to have to deal with it. There is not much to say except I love her and that is the end of it. Hope everyone has a fantastic week. Leave me some comments yeah??

Piano Man - Billy Joel

I have been thinking about my mom a lot lately. Not really too sure why though. Her birthday is in November and the anniversary of her death is in March, so monumental dates is not really an option. I guess there are just a lot of things that I wish I could talk to her about. There are always those people that say you can talk them or if you ever need someone to call them but come on, lets be real shall we? None of us ever actually call that person. You appreciate the thought but accept the fact that the one who you want to talk to you can't. For me that person is pretty much my mothers side of the family.

Now please do not get me wrong. I love my family and what I am about to say is going to make me sound like a brat but I do not want to hear about my dead mother from the sister and brother and parents that got to know her. I understand that they lost her as well and yes it was probably worse for them because they had actually had a relationship with her but I was 15 months old when my mother died from Leukemia and honestly I do not want to hear about the fun times you had together. That is not going to make me feel any better. I probably sound pretty awful huh? Maybe I take after my dad too much. We didn't really talk about my mom growing up. He would answer questions if I asked them but it would a short a quick conversation. I simply grew accustomed to it. Feels like I am rambling. Let us go on to another topic shall we?

I would like to write a little bit about a really close friend of mine. Justine "Liza" Valdez. She is pretty much the best person ever. We met, oh, 6 years ago five or take a few months, yeah, that sounds about right. Over the past six years we have become super close. To the point of calling each other sisters. I love this girl with every fiber in my body. Seriously one of the strongest people I know. She has been there for me in very dark times and there are not enough thank yous in the world to cover what she has done for me. Hardcore the big sister I never had. Guess I just wanted to say I love you girly girl and you hold such a huge portion of my heart. <3

Friends really are the best people in the world. I am overwhelmed by the amount of amazing friends I have in my life. People that have stuck by me through the dark times AND sunny days. There are too many to list but they know who they are. I love you all.

Oh, hey look, it's official. We work together.

<3 love

Secrets - OneRepublic

I've realized something. Writing a blog in my own home, does not work out so well for me. I say this as I sit on my living room floor writing this. So I guess I am contradicting myself. Who knows. I just get so damn distracted. Oh well. We will have to see how this turns out. Obviously if it is more then a paragraph then I might have finally accomplished something.

Tomorrow I start take taking classes at Cardio Barre Studio City. I am super nervous. My friend Tiffany wants me to take the advanced class with her but that might literally kill me. She kicks butt in general and is in waaaaaaaay better shape then myself. So here is the plan and I encourage you ALL to join me so that I do not feel so insanely stupid in there by myself. Going to take 2-5 of the beginner classes and then try and advanced and see how I do. If I can't keep up then I will switch back to the beginner class. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

http://livingsocial.com/deals/108591-ten-cardio-barre-classes?msdc_id=86 <-- the link. use it.

Halloween Horror Nights has been super fun. Making a lot of friends (no surprise there) but sadly I sprained my wrist this past Friday. It blows but thankfully there are a lot of positions within my job. I am still LOVING it though. Major props to Mr. John Murdy, in my personal opinion, this year is the best next to 2008. And the cast of Bill and Ted. Lets just say Alicia is a happy camper. Is that creepy? I hope that is not creepy. You guys rocked it. Katy Durham's choreography is way intense this year and all of the actors/dancers are doing an amazing job at performing it. Ya'll should keep us Theatre junkies proud!!

This is all I have got for ya'll tonight. Going to try and get back into the once a day status. Thanks for reading. :)

Oh yeah, we're fostering a dog. My father finally has a friend. World meet Jetsie Rose <3

Dig A Little Deeper - The Princess and the Frog

Is it possible to be in an awesome yet sad mood? That's the funk I happen to be in at the moment. For the record,
I don't remember who FOX is. Oops. I met a new guy, well I met him months ago but we recently started talking. He's sweet. Really sweet. Maybe that is just what I need in my life right now. I feel like I am super Boy Crazy and really, i'm not. Out of all my friends I am the single one. I almost like it this way. I'm not tied down, does that sound terrible? I guess it does. Oh well. Anyway the only problem I have with this new guy is that there is a possibility that we could work together and I am no so sure how comfortable I am with dating in the work place. Last time I did that, I ended up engaged. Guess it's just something I am just going to have to figure out huh? I'll keep you posted.

Last night was Employee Preview night for Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios Hollywood. I can't say much since technically it hasn't been opened to the public but come Friday I will give ya'll the dirty details. You have a lot to look forward to this year. I will tell you that. Bill and Ted was not as memorable as past years but of course it still kicked major ass. My girl Tiffany did a BRILLIANT job. Not that we really expected anything less from her. You killed it girl.

I started at Universal on Sunday. Was so much fun. Cannot wait to work this coming weekend. If you happen to visit us at Halloween Horror Nights this year make sure to stop by Terror Tram! Trust me, you will not want to miss it anyways. If not, just to get an awesomely amazingly spectacular hug from yours truly.

Happy Halloweentime everyone!!!

Oh, did I mention I did background on Glee?