Terrible Things - Mayday Parade

Dear Friends,

Many of you I have met and become close with over the past year. You cannot know how much that means to me. My family is not very big and the majority of them live on the other side of the country. Growing up it was mainly my dad, his mother, and his sister Linda; give or take a few family members here and there but my father and I were never extremely close with any of them. We just are not one of those types of families. My mother died when I was fifteen months old from Leukemia. She was diagnosed while pregnant with me. I am not bringing this up to sadden any of you or for any of you to pity me, it is simply a fact. Growing up without a mom is not something I would ever wish upon even my worst enemies. Not having that bond, that shoulder to cry on without being judged, is the worst feeling in the world, almost as bad as a broken heart. The original point to all of this was that my friends mean more then I could ever put down in words. My friends are the ones that have watched me laugh and cry. Sink myself and then build myself back up. They have always loved me no matter what.  I have made a lot of mistakes in my life as I am sure you all have. I want to say thank you. Thank you to those that have stuck by me through all of my mistakes. To those of you that have taught me and helped me grow into the person I am today. Thank you. We all experience hurt and loss; it is all a part of the circle of life (And yes, I did just make a Lion King reference. Accept it.). With this New Year I wish my friends nothing but love and joy and happiness. No matter the mistakes, no matter the bad choices, the heart breaks, or confusion, everyone deserves to be in love. “We accept the love we think we deserve” was said by Stephen Chbosky and it has to be one of the most truthful quotes I have ever read. I am probably the guiltiest person when it comes to attempting a relationship with someone who clearly does not want one. Someone who treats me like crap one day and a princess the next, I am that girl that says “Oh but he would not do that if he did not care.” I am the girl that makes up excuses for him. I hope that this year I can change that about me. I hope that I and all of my friends can find the love we truly deserve and not just what we think we deserve.

I know this might have just seemed like me mumbling for quite some time but I feel it needed to be said. Hope I did not bore you all too much. Happy New Year. 

Halloween...

Yes, I am aware that it is almost Christmas and I am posting about Halloween but I never posted my Halloween Costume this year. 

I was the Condom Fairy. It was pretty awesome. Including some pictures. Not much to talk about, unless you want to hear about a broken heart...didn't think so. 

The Story of Your Life - We The Kings

Ramble Ramble Ramble.

So over the past two and half weeks I have had a Cyst on my Tailbone. Seriously one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. Not being to sit, lay down, bend over...it blows. Not fun. Anyways..there is a point to this ramble I promise. My doctor put me on Antibiotics to help the cyst go down (which YES they worked their magic) BUT they completely stole my appetite and I didn't really eat anything for two weeks. I dropped ten pounds. That is super awesome but now I really want Taco Bell like nobody's business. Dilemma Dilemma. 

Edge of Seventeen - Stevie Nicks

I guess I am pretty bad at this whole Blog thing. Haven't been able to keep up with it. Really going to change that. As always I am here to talk about love. For the past five and a half months I have been...seeing...a man..let's call him Grey. Things were very clear to me in the beginning. It was summer, it was hot, it was time for fun. But as the seasons change, (or at least I think it is supposed to be fall, I live in Southern California...we do not get seasons) I see myself changing, wanting more I feel. Call it growing up maybe? Or perhaps just urging myself to move on. As always though, there is that part of me that wants to stay with Grey, wants a relationship out of him. I guess I am scared to bring it up to him? Scared that he will call everything off all together? Oh lord, I really am such a girl when it comes to these things. Let us be real though shall we? Friends with benefits is only meant to last so long. 

Work is work. Doing what I can to make a difference. I really do see myself moving up with the Company so we shall see what this upcoming year brings me. Times are definitely changing I can tell you all that. I hope everyone (and by everyone I mean the two whole people that will read this) had a wonderful Halloween. I was at work at Halloween Horror Nights with a Cyst on my Tailbone, which is still there. It was oh so tons of fun. 

I will try and be back in a day or some with some sort of amazing story to tell you. 

For now....I bid you farewell. 

Love In A Hopeless Place - Boyce Avenue Cover

For Jade.

Follow Me - Uncle Kracker

Today, my heart hurts, but maybe in a good way. You know when you come to a realization that could quite possibly change your life? That happened to me this past week. I realized that there is a man who I may truly love...be in love with. I've known for six years almost and I hope to know him the rest of my life.

We have feelings for each other that is for certain. We have told each other, but, well, there is a rather large distance between us at the moment. Physically I mean. To the few I have talked to personally about this subject they have asked the question "Why not start a relationship while he is in town and then try a long distance relationship?". My answer may sound awful but it is what is the truth to me. Why would you be in a relationship when you cannot be with them? Now I know there are many exceptions to this. Families in the military, spouses that have to travel, etc. But when a relationship is new, I do not think it appropriate to be so far apart.

I still love him and have feelings for him. That is not going to change. We'll see what happens.

One of Us - Glee Version

This April will mark 18 years since my mom passed away. I've been really sad lately and I am very confident that this is the reason. Growing up without a mom is hard, but growing up with everyone telling you that you are a spitting image of her...even harder. I love my family, please do not get me wrong but my mom was taken from me. They got to know her for all her life some of them. I get to live off of pictures, and journals. I have been told that I look exactly like her, that I sound like her that I remind you of her, but my question to the world is... How is that suposed to make ME feel better? I get to sit here and miss someone I never knew, someone I will never know. You can say that she is in my heart, that she is watching down on me, that her memory lives on within me. Explain to me how a memory of a person I NEVER KNEW can live on within me. Explain to me how I can cry night after night over a person I DON"T KNOW.

I don't have much to say except that I cannot keep going on living like this.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQXiT7EnMnM&feature=fvwrel